This can be a difficult, confusing and emotional time for the both of you. The thing is you have to be supportive even through the anger, pain confusion or denial (depending on which part of the grief and acceptance process you are going though. Your feelings will be all over the place, and it is ok to experience them. However, do not bash hi. Again, you must remain supportive through it all. Who knows, you may come out of this seemingly tragedy with a best friend unlike any other could ever be.
If you have just found out your guy is gay then you are experiencing a lot of emotions, and that is normal. Make sure that you are not allowing that strong and almost consuming emotion to consume you though. You may have to walk away from the situation before being able to respond rationally, and he will have to understand that. You however have to understand that eventually, you will have to respond. Keep in mind that no matter how difficult it is for you, coming out of the closet for him had to be a trillion times worse.
This is different from the typical “failed relationship.” You may have been together weeks, months or even years. Maybe you have kids, and maybe you have exchanged vows of love, but if he is gay he is gay. He can’t change that and neither can you. At least he is telling you rather than living a lie and cheating on you. It is possible that he was ashamed, thought his love for you would make those feelings go away or he didn’t even know it himself, but if you are to this point now, you must support him.
There will be warning signs
The warning signs are often mistaken for other things like cheating, preoccupation, stress or feelings he is pulling away from you. Any of these things could be true, but they would be effects of the real problem. When you find in that he is gay, it can really throw you for a loop. It is normally the very last thing that you see coming.
Your first reaction will be flat and shocked or extremely volatile and emotional. There is rarely an in between, but regardless of how the shock hits you remember you have to get those crippling and all-consuming emotions in check. Do the only human thing and be there for this individual no matter what. This is a difficult time for you, but it is probably the most difficult of his life thus far. Coming out is not easy, and this is not something that happened overnight. He has been suffering for a while, and grappling with this type of situation cannot be easy alone. At the end of the say he probably truly does love you, and breaking your heart would also break his.
Find a way to truly accept that he is gay. Do not try to change his mind, because it was doubtfully a decision he made. Here are a few tips to help get you through.
1. Find acceptance and offer support
Being there for him and giving yourself a break are essential to getting through this. Be there for one another.
2. Don’t play the blame game
This is not his fault, and it definitely is not yours. It is something that happened, you can’t change it and now you have to deal with it compassionately.
3. Have a support system that bashes no one
You want a support system, but make it clear early on that it is for you both. Surround yourselves with people who care and understand. If they done, do you really need them anyway?
4. Dont play the gay cupid
He does not need you to hook him up with Jimmie next door. If you eant to go to the gay nar with him it may be tons of fun, but do not tery to play match maker. Just be his best girlfriend, and he will be happy with that. Eventually you will too, and you both win because you are both still there.
5. Love him anyways
Do not cut him out of your life altogether. This could be the best friend you ever had. Love him anyway. He had to be an amazing person if you were with him, and his being gay did not change that.
Look, you have to recognize that telling you, hurting you was tough for him. He is gay, not a monster. He obviously cares or it would not have been do hard on him to begin with. Do not try to make him feel guilty, as the emotions he is dealing with at a time like this cannot even be described, only felt. A break up hurts, but trust that it is nothing compared to what he is dealing with in coming out.
Being his friend may be tough at first, and this is especially true as he comes out to others and begins living openly gay with relationships and all. You at least have to try. You can’t force a relationship but you can nurture a friendship, so don’t shut him out of your life if you don’t have to. It is ok to be angry, but it is also ok to heal. Sure you may need a bit of time, but you have to come to a forgiving place in your heart eventually.
