In this new millennium, expectations about sex and love have changed. In the nineteenth century, the so-called ‘Victorian Era’, sex outside a marriage was taboo and unheard of. However, after World War II and the free expression of a new teen generation, values were challenged. The term ‘making out’ referred to how far a male could get his girlfriend to ‘give him’ physically, sex became an object of gratification and a challenge, rather than a representation of total commitment to one person in a lifelong and committed relationship most fully expressed in marriage. This cheapening of sexual expression, and indeed love, has caused many couples to make sex an object for their own use – a channel of ‘feeling’ rather than a value, and to feel somehow inferior without sex in any level of relationship.
Can a relationship without sex, in this age where sex is seen as a tool for happiness and expression, last?
Firstly, I would like to reassure you that those of you who are unmarried can carry on a relationship perfectly well without sex. If you are ashamed of what your friends would say, that somehow you are less of a man or a woman, or that you may be mocked for not ‘losing your virginity’ or being ‘frigid’, then you are looking at your partner as someone who is there to be used – someone who can enhance your status, your image, your emotions, etc. In other words, you are a selfish taker who doesn’t care about your partner other than what’s in it for yourself. Successful relationships do not force a person who is not ready to give something precious to them. If you are emotionally blackmailing your partner, saying that you love them just so they can give you sex, trying to squeeze every bit of goodness from them, or forcing them to reluctantly indulge you in your own fantasies, then no relationship you enter into will last. Why? You don’t know how to love a partner unconditionally.
An interesting article on #1 Source for Advice On Everything Marriage is entitled How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex? | Marriage.com. In this article, it states that a Newsweek poll discovered married couples have sex around 65 times a year. This article states a University of Chicago study found 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month. A final study by Dr David Schnarch found that couples have sex once a week, but it is more common to have sex only once or twice a month. The same Newsweek Poll finds that married couples have 6.9 times the amount of sex in a year than unmarried couples.
Let’s have a look at reality, and I will give you my experience as a married man of just over eighteen years. In the first couple of years as a couple, the feelings are AWOL and sex is more likely to be common. This is in marriage, mind you. Many cultures around the world still value sexual purity before marriage, and there is the idea that expressing sexual intimacy with someone who won’t be your lifelong partner is somehow… ripping you off, weakening the bonds of intimacy that is supposed to cause you to remain close with a lifelong partner, and is something that leads to … possible STDs, possible unwanted children and the ruin of future goals of one or both members of the couple should sex produce one of the cited consequences. It also produces less communication if one dwells on premarital sex, cheapens the practice traditionally reserved for marriage and, with multiple sexual partners over a number of years, decreases the likelihood of a long term commitment to marriage.
With age, careers, children and natural biological change, often women (and men) will experience a reduction in sexual desire. The more one has, too, the more its novelty wears off. Hence, sex alone is not the only magnet, and should not be the only way to extend a relationship. Friendship, sharing common experiences. communication, sharing memorable experiences together, and sacrificing your own desires for the sake of your partner is essential for a long term relationship. Although many say the average is three times a week for married couples (see the article by Focus on the Family entitled Frequency of Sex in Marriage), averages can mean a severe variation of frequency in reality. From one couple having fifteen or twenty times a week to a couple having once a month, each number is added to the average.
Can a relationship last without sex? If both couples mutually agree that sex is not as important as developing intimacy and warmth and memorable events, and there is a commitment, yes. One partner may need to evaluate why they need sex more often? Is it just because of societal pressure? Has pornography corrupted sex and diminished its importance into a mere feeling or emotion? Has the experience of sex become an addiction like getting the shakes if a coffee addict doesn’t have his coffee in the morning?
If the questioner is concerned she is being pressured into sex just to maintain the relationship, and you are not married, then communicate your reservations with your boyfriend. If you are engaged, but wish to keep your sexual purity until the marriage day, then be strong enough to retain your convictions and don’t fear that your relationship won’t last.
There are many reasons why sex can’t be maintained at higher levels or at a high rate of frequency forever. Physical health, work, children, disgust in the act of sex (the exchange of bodily fluids is not attractive to everyone), the distraction of life with limited time, energy and libido can reduce with age; and a whole lot of other factors can mean that the number of sexual encounters with your marital partner is decreased. The question to ask – is your relationship worth keeping and are you committed enough to the person you live with to work through any differences in viewpoints? Are you willing to resist the trends of society, the inevitable temptations to cheat or turn to someone else for sexual gratification, and to resist fantasizing about the images on billboards you see everyday around you?
As a Christian, I believe that marriage between one man and one woman in an exclusive arrangement that allows no-one else to share the same sexual privileges is the best arrangement for children, provides the greatest stability to society, and gives the most fulfilment to couples who want happiness and lifelong satisfaction.
