Let’s clear the air by saying – being open and truthful in a relationship is well advised for stronger bonding and trust. However, there are just some things that your partner does not need to know about your past. Yes, we’ve all messed up a long time ago, but many of those mistakes are not a reflection of who we are now so why not let your bygone be bygone? Any information that is not instrumental to your current relationship is not necessary. And if your partner asks you direct and personal questions about a past you buried, you can choose to very politely say “I don’t want to talk about that”, but, if it will come off as ‘hoarding’, then give a brief summary of events without divulging too much details.
So what things are appropriate to say?
- Your past marital status
If you’ve been married before and got divorced or lost your partner to sickness, accident or any other cold hand of death, it is quite appropriate and necessary to mention. More so, if there are encumbrances from your past marriage like ‘unresolved joint debt’ or ‘shared custody’ if children apply, these are also vital information to mention. However, only share encumbrances that are instrumental to your current relationship, or ones that you can’t avoid. You can also share information about what led to your divorce if applicable, but beware of too much detail.
- If you have children
I’ve seen many people hide facts about having kids but that’s wrong. You can inform your partner about your kids and still prevent them from getting close to your kids until the relationship starts to gear ‘long term’. However, the last thing you want is to get serious with your partner and then swing on the information much later. Even if they wouldn’t judge you, you have affected the trust in your relationship, plus you’re really coming off as a selfish person. More so, you can’t hide that information forever and whether you like it or not, they’re going to find out sooner or later, so why not sooner? And why not from you?
- Your health status
If you have STDs, any terminal disease, issues with anxiety or depression, issues with fertility or impotence, hereditary disease, deformity, or health tendencies, do share with your partner. Issues about your health are very, very important and definitely instrumental to your current relationship. Although your health completely affects your relationship as well as your future together, you should know how to share such information. For instance, if you can’t have children, do mention, however, if it’s as a result of past multiple abortions, you can edit that part by saying ‘you had an abortion’ but don’t capitalize on the amount of abortions. The vital part is that you can’t have children.
- Family feuds
If there are serious family feuds like say; you and your dad currently share a passion of hate or two siblings in your family don’t see eye to eye or your parents are going through a rough marital patch which is very serious, you can share that. Your family and background are part of the ‘getting to know each other’ conversations so it’s hard to ignore. Families are a vital part of our lives and if it matters to you, your partner should know plus that will show your partner that you’re very empathic. More so, if you’ll be taking your partner on family functions, then it’s vital to share. However, avoid sharing trivial family issues like small arguments, differences, disagreements or too much detail on the personal lives of your family members.
- Past traumatic events
Past traumatic events i.e. rape, molestation, loss, accident, addiction/rehab are vital information to share especially if it gravely affected your life, childhood, health or orientation. A traumatic breakup may or may not be necessary depending on how you put it. If you tell your partner that you attempted suicide (drug overdose perhaps) due to a heartbreak, such partner may not be willing to get serious, because, life happens and they wouldn’t want to be responsible for a repeat episode.
And what things are not?
- Your past infidelity issues
If you have cheated on a partner in the past, please keep it to yourself. Telling your current partner this will immediately and innocently activate insecurities and mistrust in your current relationship.
- Details about your past sex life
Nobody wants to know how many people you had sexual relations with, how many times or rounds, how large or sleek a partner was and other things you enjoyed from those sexual relations. No partner wants to feel less or begin imagining what you’re describing – No!
- The good attributes of your ex
Highlighting the good attributes of your ex is just plain comparison and that is one dangerous thing that you should actively avoid in every relationship. You should always make your partner feel like you’ve never met anyone like them.
Have more to add? Let’s see them in the comment section below.
