Your besties are always there for you. You go to them when you have questions about your relationship, when you need solid fashion advice, or when you want to hang out. You trust them, and you think you know just about everything you possibly could about them–including their relationships.
Oh, but then that happened.
During a typical dinner with friends, your friend approaches you and confesses that she and her husband are swingers. You’re shocked, but at the same time, things wouldn’t change between the two of you. But, she keeps confessing. She and her husband are really into you and your partner. They want to swing.
For most of us, this kind of revelation isn’t something we ever really want to hear from our friends. Or, if it is, it’s a revelation that can potentially put friendships on the skids. Swinging is difficult to manage, even if you’re a veteran of swapping.
So, how the hell do you handle this kind of request? Here’s a guide that veteran swingers would suggest.
If this isn’t your thing at all, be upfront about it.
Swinging takes a lot of emotional maturity, which is a good thing for people who are hoping to diffuse the awkwardness. Most people who swing are extremely understanding about how wild it is for others. They’re not stupid, they know it’s something that most people won’t be down for.
It’s totally okay to be upfront about not wanting to swing. Most of the time, people will drop it and move on as if nothing happens. Just tell them you’re flattered, but that it’s not something you feel comfortable doing.
If it is something you want to pursue, talk to your spouse.
It takes two to do this kind of tango, and that means you’re going to need to talk about it with your partner. If he’s down, it may be a good way to get your jollies off. If he isn’t, then it’s something that you’re going to have to turn down.
That being said, swinging with your friends isn’t always a wise idea. Drama can ensue, especially if your friends end up catching feelings for your partner. Take some serious time to figure out whether it’s worth the risk. If you both feel comfortable with it, swing away.
If you rejected them, try to gloss over it after you say no.
Quickly changing the subject or offering to hang out with them again is an easy way to diffuse any awkward vibes that you and your friend could have. This can make it clear that you’re okay with their lifestyle, but that you’d rather focus on other aspects of your friendship.
By dismissing it quickly (but tactfully) and switching topics, you get rid of the awkward pauses involving the discussion. After you switch topics, it’s best to pretend that your conversation never occurred.
Do not let them try to pressure you into it.
Though most swingers are genuinely mature and are okay with a little rejection, others are not always good with it. Some may try to pressure you or badger you into it by repeatedly asking you to join them. This is a point where you need to remain firm.
Here’s how to handle different types of pushy people:
- The Friend Who Won’t Stop Asking. “Listen, my partner and I are flattered by the offer, but we are not interested in swinging. We think you’re great friends, but this is not our lifestyle. Please stop asking us, as the answer is no and you’re making us uncomfortable.”
- The Friend Who Tries To Debate Your Decision. “I understand that you’re interested, but it’s just not our thing. Please don’t try to turn this into a debate. Stop asking us why we’re not interested. This conversation is over.”
- The Friend Who Tries To Guilt You Into It. “Please stop trying to guilt me into it. No means no. If you can’t take no for an answer, I’m going to stop talking to you.”
- The Friend Who Just Won’t Take No. If you tried to be civil and tell them to stop without any improvement, it may be best to just avoid them.
Smooth things out with your partner.
A lot of male partners can get jealous if friends approach their girlfriends for a swap. It’s important to try to get your man to calm down. It’s not that your friends wanted you to join them for a threesome; they were attracted to him, too.
Though the swinging offer could be jarring to your partner, this doesn’t mean it’s reason to back away from your buds. As long as nothing went on, there shouldn’t be any issue with keeping them as friends.
Don’t be surprised if you need to act a little cool for a while.
Each couple will be a little different. Some couples will misinterpret warmth for a sign of mild interest or as a sign that you might still be open to swapping with a little encouragement. If you’re getting the feeling that they might be misinterpreting things, you might need to act a little cold to them.
You won’t always have to be that way, but if they’re a little clueless, it could take a month or two before things settle out.
Realize that most swinging-related issues settle themselves within a matter of months.
Yes, it might be awkward now, but there’s no reason to believe that it’ll be awkward later on. If your friendship is as strong as you feel it should be, the awkwardness will eventually vanish and things will go back to normal again.
It might take a while, but you have to trust that things will normalize eventually. As long as you don’t turn it into a big deal, you’ll be alright.
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