Why Do Mistresses Tell The Wife About the Affair?

You thought you had the perfect marriage. He was loyal, hardworking, and kind. In fact, he even took extra hours at work to support you! Unfortunately, all wasn’t what it seemed. One day, you got a phone call from a number you didn’t recognize and the world came crashing down. While you’re still reeling from the call, you probably are wondering why the other women called you.

There are a number of reasons why a mistress might tell the wife about an affair. Many want to tell the wife because they, themselves, were betrayed by the wandering spouse. Others do it as an attempt to cause a divorce, while even more may try it as a way to actively hurt the wife or wandering spouse.

Trying to figure out why a mistress would want to tell you about an affair is not going to be an easy task. Each cheating episode is going to be a little different, so you need to be aware of the subtleties of the situation.

The Many Different Reasons Why Mistresses Want To Tell You About The Affair

Affairs are never a “one size fits all” type of deal. Each affair starts differently and has different personalities involved. To help you understand why the mistress might have told you, it’s a good idea to break things down by the most common scenarios and personality types.

The Well-Meaning Mistress

Here’s one thing that you absolutely need to keep in mind when you first get betrayed: the mistress is usually a victim in this too. There is a good chance that she only found out that her boyfriend is married around the time she called you. 

A lot of women who end up being the mistress don’t know that they were with a married man, and are decent people. They know that it’s girl code to tell someone if their partner isn’t being faithful. If the mistress in question believes in girl code, she might take it upon herself to warn you. 

At the end of the day, even if this was not her initial intent, she still did you a favor. It’s good to know where you stand, right?

The Homewrecker

Not all women who are mistresses are innocent in their role. Some women actively pursue married men simply because they want the sick thrill of wrecking relationships. This is often because women who act this way feel like they proved to themselves that they are somehow better than the woman who was betrayed. 

Homewreckers tend to want to run off with the man they are acting as a mistress to. As a result, their number one goal is to make you break up with him. They may want to tell you as a way to rile you up enough to leave him or to hurt you. Obviously, this often backfires and makes the man leave her instead. 

Even so, you can usually tell when a homewrecker is trying to break you up. She’ll often smirk about it when she’s explaining things to you. Or, she may try to exaggerate things. Or she may even straight up try to tell you that you should dump him because he wants her. 

The Ultimatum

Believe it or not, there are some women who date men who are married without knowing that they are married. When they find out, they may tell the man to dump the wife for her, or that she’ll tell the wife. While this is not necessarily that different from the Homewrecker situation, it’s a subtle difference in motivation worth noting. 

With the ultimatum, the woman still wants the man to “do the right thing” but only to a point. It’s not about competing with you. Rather, she feels like she was cheated out of a future and wants to flex her blackmail as a way to get the betrayer to make a selection. One might even say it’s her way of lashing out in pain.

In this way, she’s both emotionally blackmailing the dude and also giving him a way to get an “easy out” from the relationship with you. With Ultimatums, the reasoning is not to get a rise out of you or to feel better than you. It’s solely because she feels entitled to a relationship with your man and because she, too, feels betrayed by his actions.

The Vengeful Mistress

They often say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” This much can be very true, especially when it comes to women who are not entirely stable. This leads many mistresses who decide to tell the wife as an act of revenge against the wandering spouse. 

In most cases, guys who have a Vengeful Mistress end up this way because they wanted to break things off. Or, in some cases, decided to choose the wife over the mistress or otherwise harm the mistress in one way or another. 

The ultimate goal of a typical Vengeful Mistress is not to continue a relationship with the wandering spouse. In most cases, it’s not even a matter of trying to hurt the wife. It’s completely and entirely a matter of upending the man’s life. With that said, some women who fit this bill also want to hurt the wife, too. 

Most of the time, you’ll be able to tell when a woman is telling you out of revenge. She will usually do a lot more to smear the reputation of the man in question, such as call his workplace or even send tawdry videos to family members. She may also stalk, attack, and harass you.

Does The Reason Why The Mistress Told You Ever Matter?

Sometimes, knowing the why can help you understand what really went on—and whether you should really get worried during divorce court. At the end of the day, the mistress telling you is always a favor in its own messed up way. It’s good to know who’s betrayed you, so you can break up and find someone who won’t do that. 

However, there are some moments where it might be worth understanding why. If you notice any of these issues, you might want to separate your finances as soon as possible:

  • The mistress seems fairly confident that your spouse is going to leave you. Usually, this is a fluke, but if you notice that she seems to say it with a certain finality, there may be more to the story than you know. 
  • Your husband admits it but refuses to cut contact. At this point, the relationship is DOA.  It’s time to divorce. 
  • There is a pregnancy involved. While pregnancy tests can be faked, if it can be confirmed and a baby is there, it’s not usually an issue you want to deal with. In most cases, this means that the mistress/babymama is going to be a thorn in your side for the duration of your marriage. 
  • The other woman has threatened you physically, or is stalking your husband. You should always alert the authorities whenever you notice alarming behavior.  This is especially true if you feel physically threatened.

How To React When The Mistress Tells You The News

If you have been getting the feeling that you’re about to get some bad news, then you should probably have a plan on how to brace yourself. This advice below will make sure that you get the full story and know what’s going on here.

Remain Calm

I know, I know. Easier said than done. However, you won’t be able to properly gauge the situation and get the details you need to figure out your next steps if you’re flipping out. Bottle it up, and flip out after you’re done talking.

Ask For Proof

Proof doesn’t have to mean videos, but it should mean that you get some kind of confirmation that she’s seen him naked. This can be asking about a specific tattoo, a move he does in bed, or even a personal quirk about his member. The best thing you can use is to figure out the times he’s been stepping out. 

If the proof doesn’t line up with what you know, you know that you have someone who’s trying to fake an affair to split up. If it does line up, then you have a person who is legitimately a mistress talking to you. 

Ask Questions 

If you already decided to break up, mazel tov! You will need to ask your mistress what she can do to help further the divorce in your favor if she is a well-meaning mistress. Otherwise, you just want to know how long it’s been going on, what he’s been saying, and similar details. 

The more you know, the better you will be equipped to handle it in divorce court—or to confront your husband.

Do Not Talk To Your Husband Yet

It’s tempting to call up your husband and start screaming, but that’s almost never the best course of action. A better approach would be to start gathering evidence and talk to a divorce lawyer. Should you choose to leave him, this will make it easier on you on the long-term. 

Once you have spoken to a lawyer, you can confront your husband. Expect a lot of tears and pleading, though.

Determine If You Are Safe

While most of the mistresses who disclose information are simply girls who had been betrayed by a married man, not all are as well-meaning as you want them to be. Safety is an issue, especially if you’re dealing with a vengeful mistress or if the mistress has made verbal threats against you. 

Don’t feel safe? Tell your husband what’s going on and consider calling the police. The sooner the authorities are notified about the issue, the sooner a paper trail can be established. If things escalate, this will allow you to get a head start on a restraining order. 

What Does It Mean If You Found Out About The Affair From The Mistress?

The truth is, it’s very telling about the state of your relationship. This is especially true when it comes to how remorseful he is. If your husband was truly remorseful, then he would have told you himself. 

The fact that he didn’t tell you suggests that he doesn’t have the strength of character you need in a partner—and that he would have continued doing it if he felt you would never know. That suggests that his attitude is, “Whatever she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her.”

Why You Shouldn’t Get Angry At The Mistress…Most Of The Time

If the mistress was someone who was actively pretending to be your friend, you have every right to be angry. However, most women who end up in this position do not know they are the other woman. In some cases, they were also manipulated to believe you’re the bad guy. 

At the end of the day, the truth is that it’s not the mistress who made a vow to stay loyal to you. Your husband betrayed you, and then betrayed her by putting her in this position. They are just as much victims in this as you are. 

Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule. But, it’s still important to remember that it takes two to tango.


There are few things that are quite as devastating as finding out that your husband had an affair, especially when the news is broken from the other woman. However, you have to understand that it’s extremely rare that the other woman was actually trying to start a relationship with a married man. 

At the end of the day, betrayal is betrayal. It’s normal to get angry at both people who made this happen. Hard as it may be to do, you need to remember that it was your husband’s choice to knowingly stray. With that said, knowing is half the battle. Now, the bigger issue is figuring out how to heal from this betrayal. Of course, that’s for another article…